You smell like a Billy Joel song
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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