I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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