I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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