I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
