I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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