Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
