Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
