I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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