If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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