We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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