pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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