Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I think i peed on brittanys purse
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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