I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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