Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
do herpes really smell.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
