I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
