Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
