she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
