it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
