Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
