I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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