I cannot find my penis.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
