Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
