i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
