According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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