The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
