I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
