I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
