Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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