i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
being pregnant is like rehab
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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