God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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