I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You made out with two different species that night
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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