Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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