They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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