Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
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