you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I am available for nakedness
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
