i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
