Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
