I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
