MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
