My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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