I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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