Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
