he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
