Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
