PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
