peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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