she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
