i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
