my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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