I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
